Ex Animo
by cerasi1
Summary: Remus' last thoughts as he dies, thinking of Sirius.


You'll be pleased to know, Sirius, that as I lie dying I am thinking of you. I know you would have liked that.

I never thought I would live to this, dying of old age; I never thought it would happen. I suppose we don't like to think of being old, of fading away like I am. I lived a good life and was all the more blessed for your being a part of it.

There were so many times when I thought death was upon me. The first, Sirius, I never told you about, though I should have, and you asked, but I wasn't strong enough to tell you back then. How I wish I had.

The first was at the age of five. Merlin, Sirius, I should have died! I thought it was our dog at first, but it was bigger than Menguy, much bigger. It bit me, just before my father, bless him, chased it off thinking it was a normal wolf. My mother knew better, and she cried for days. I remember sitting with her by the fire one night and she held me even as I transformed. Just a puppy, I suppose, no real threat.

There was another, you know. Another time I thought my end was truly nigh. That time with the death eaters, I thought it was the end of Remus J. Lupin. If not for you, it would have been.

I told Dumbledore what happened in there, but I never really told you, did I? They tortured me, Sirius, tortured me in that horrible place. You kept me going. I just thought of you, and of James and Lily, and I thought of Peter. But mostly I thought of you. They were going to use me in Voldemort's army once they had their information. I was to be a beast wreaking havoc on those I loved when I had the least control. When they asked me those questions I told them nothing. You would have been proud of me back then, Sirius. I spoke not a word.

When you came through that door, your robes all tatty and your face a mess, I cried. You all thought it was the pain, but I'm a werewolf after all, pain like that means little to me.

No, I didn't cry while they tortured me, but I cried when you came in because there was a light in the hallway behind you and your face was so beautiful and determined and you seemed to glow like an angel. You never listened in Care of Magical Creatures, but if you had you would know how incredibly beautiful angles are. And you were an angel to me, you always have been.

There was… another time I thought I might die. Twice in two days, to be precise. The first I thought I should die because I knew if I died that day, Merlin, I would die happy! It was in Grimmauld Place, of all places! After the escape, when Harry was supposedly safe in his fifth year at school, when the Order was sorting its way through the various troubles in the world.

That evening when you and I were sitting up late sorting through the old school photos to find those who were still alive and on our side. I laughed when you pulled out a picture of us. James had taken it, I think, shortly after we finished school. I had never seen that one before; I thought you were being silly until I saw what the twenty-year-old you was doing. Oh, Sirius. So many years and I thought it was just me. But there in the photo was me smiling, my head in a book, and you! I love that picture, Sirius, it's clutched to my heart even now. You stood behind me on that day and you were swooning, you daft bastard. You kept lifting a sign up behind my head and hiding it when my young self turned to see it. Those magically flashing words 'I love Moony'.

We kissed for the first time that night. You showed me that photo with a smile, the meekest I've ever seen you! I could have kissed you, and I did. I cried again, and so did you, though you denied it all. I was so happy, Sirius, like you cannot imagine.

The next day, though, then I thought I would certainly die. How could it have gone so wrong? One night we kissed and finally knew how much we loved each other, then the next day it was gone. You were gone. I couldn't admit it to myself, couldn't say the word. I almost wish I had died that day.

But I lived. James, Lily, you, Peter in a way. Not me, though. It seemed I had been left for some purpose, which, I suppose, made itself evident in the end.

And now, finally, I am at an end. I lie here, fading slowly, and with every part of me I pray to whatever is out there controlling this mess that I may come to you now.

I can die, Sirius, I'm ready. I should have died time and time again. By accident, at the wand of a death eater, in Voldemort's very clutches, from grief, from illness, even from happiness. I didn't, though, I saw it through to the end, and now it's time we found each other once more and sat down to talk this all over. I'll tell you about the wolf, Sirius, I'll tell you about anything you want to know, just find me, please.

I die soon, Sirius, but all is well because I die loving you, as it should be.


End file.
